Gig Harbor Divorce & Family Law Attorney

1. Keep Parental Conflict Low

It is very hard work for parents to control conflict

during a divorce. It

takes a proactive

effort from each individual parent to restrain themselves

and learn positive problem-solving skills.

It is a good skill to start developing

and establishing

during the divorce because you will continue to share problem-

solving events throughout your

children’s lives.

Children from divorced families benefit

whe

n parental

conflict is low

because

they achieve a healthier adjustment to their new family situation

2. Do Not Bad Mouth or Belittle the Other Parent:

Do not attempt to alienate

your former spouse

from your children.

Despite your anger, disappointment, or disapproval of

your former spouse, your child needs to

know that he still has two parents that

love and care

for him. Talk about your former spouse in neutral or positive

terms in the presence of the child.

Children’s perceptions

of themselves are closely related to their perceptions of

their parents.

Maintaining healthy “talk” will avoid making a child choose

loyalties and keep a child from trying

protect parents from each other.

3. Adult Issues Stay Between Adults:

Child and adult boundaries are important

to maintain. Be

conscious not to

discuss adult or divorce issues in the presence of your child.

A child should not be privy to the

information about your divorce such as

child support,

spousal maintenance, division of property, etc. For example,

if your child knows you are

frustrated about child support

you may inadvertently make the child feel responsible

because

they are costing you money and therefore

the cause of

your stress.

4. Do Not Communicate Through Children:

Do not make children into adult

confidants. Parents

should make contact

with one another directly. If parents are unable to

speak directly without conflict then they

should communicate through e-mails,

letters, their

attorneys, co-parenting counselors, mediators, or some other

impartial third party. It is unfair

and unwise to make your

children “messengers” in the middle of adult conversations.

5. Do Not Ask Children to Choose:

Children should not be asked to choose which

parent with whom

they want to live.

Although, their well being and happiness should be

paramount to the decision making process,

the actual decision should be made

by two

responsible, caring parents. Asking young children, even adolescents,

to choose between

which parent to live with is forcing

them and you into a situation that will unquestionably cause

guilt, resentment and estrangement. They are ill-prepared

developmentally to make this

difficult decision.

6. Encourage Communication:

Be available to talk to your kids about how they are

feeling. Encourage

them and actively

ask them to open up to you. Be a good, non-defensive

listener even if the

information they are sharing is

difficult to hear. If the child is having

conflict

with your

former spouse, encourage your child to talk with th

parent

directly. Having

ffectionate,

compassionate and

emotionally available parents

, even if only one parent,

helps

the child to feel secure and

understood.

7. Protect Children from Frequent Changes in Partners:

Avoid introducing

your children to a

new dating partner

until the relationship becomes long term. This protects

children from the feelings of instability

when there are new adults coming and

going frequently.

8. Do Not Abdicate your Role as Parent:

Children still need the love and caring

that comes with

discipline and

boundary setting. Don’t be afraid to provide reasonable rules

and structure which will in turn provide

them with a sense of security

even if the other parent

abdicates their responsibility as an authority figure. They

need responsible adults in their lives

to provide guidance.

9. You Are Still Parents:

Things have changed but don't give up.

Although you are no

longer

together

with your partner

you are still both parents

children in need

of your love

and

affection. Give them extra

assurance that they are still valued, they are not to blame, and

that

they are not

responsible for fixing your

problems. Stay involved in their lives and try to

keep

their daily life as secure, stable, and predictable as

possible.

If you are not the residential

parent make sure you call, e-mail, write or otherwise let the child know you are thinking about

them even when they are not with you.

10. Seek Professional Help:

Don’t be afraid to seek professional help for you or your

children. Recognize

that divorce can

be one of the most difficult transitions in the lives of you

and your family. Children themselves may

benefit from talking to a counselor

trained to work

with children in divorcing families. Sometimes a child may feel

reluctant to share feelings with

parents and add to

their

stress. It may be easier to talk it out with another safe adult.

Support

comes in many forms (professional counselor, support groups,

workshops, pastors, books,

etc.) and there

is no shortage of resources out there to help everyone affected by a divorce.